My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
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Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
Terribly Tuesday.
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
it is time once again
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.