anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
You Might Also Like
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
inside you are two wolves
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
I’m sorry…what?
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.