Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
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8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his