Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
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This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
constantly working on myself.
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
decorating my apartment
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
[soldier making lunch]
Now for some avocado [grabs grenade] oh oh, if this is here then that means [cut to soldier taking cover for 5 hours]
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.