Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
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🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
Best mom ever 😂
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?
9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.
Me: ok..
9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma
Me: ok so
9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
Lmfao
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic