Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
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Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
Not today. 😅
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
rapatouille
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.