My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
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Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.