I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
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*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
Don’t tell me what to do
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
what kind of cook setting is this??
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”