In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
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#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.