Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
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Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
I milked the cow
“We don’t have a cow”
the neighbors’ cow then
“Their cat?”
Pretty sure it was a cow he was saying moo
“Meow”
Ah shoot
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring