My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
You Might Also Like
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.