I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
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For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
Breaking news:
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
In case you needed to hear it:
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
Cop: Open the trunk please
Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for thatCop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
So true for me
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today