jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
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Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
My 2-year-old refused to brush her teeth because a towel was in the wrong spot.
I calmly explained to her that the position of the towel didn’t matter and that she needed to brush her teeth no matter what.
Just kidding.
I moved the damn towel.
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
When your best mate counts as a desk too
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
my dad when a sex scene comes on
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.