I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
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A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.