Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
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Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why