[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
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Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
Why is this me 😫
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.