hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
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My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
fair
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
Start the year as you intend to continue.
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?