Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
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date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
First date idea: Find out how they sneeze.
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
We’ve all been there…
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners