Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
You Might Also Like
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
Not an. Officer sitting next to me …. Now I can’t drink my… er.. water
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?