The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
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[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
Man at the dog park: Who’s a good girl? WHOSAGOODGIRRRRLLL????
Me: *looks around* *slowly raises hand*
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.