Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
You Might Also Like
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
[at the candy shop with 50 Cent] what do you mean metaphor
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
I start undressing you with my eyes. About halfway through, your zipper gets caught on my cornea and I start screaming in agony.
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”
…
“piles of health that is! LOL”
…
“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
Fox Mulder, age 6: *looks under pillow* MOM! IT DISAPPEARED!
Mom: the Tooth Fairy took it, dear
Fox: you mean… the tooth is out there?
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.