The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
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“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
I can eat Rice Krispy Treats for breakfast, because I’m an adult!
But hiding in the bathroom, because I’m a mom.
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
Message from the dog groomers
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”