I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
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I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
“After seeing the way these common processed foods are made, you’ll never want to eat them again!”
I ate grass when I was little because I thought I was a horse. I guarantee you my care of what goes into my body is much lower than you give me credit for.
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me