Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
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Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.