Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
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I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
the #horror is real!
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger