🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
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I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen
Them *gives me a hug*
Me: and there it is
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.