i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
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My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
My 5YO woke me up this morning to tell me she’s upset because her 1YO sibling woke her up. Is this the circle of life I keep hearing about?
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.