Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
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I found your tweet-up…
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
The dog couldn’t get up on the bed anymore so we built her a ramp and now she can jump 14 beds.
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.