No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
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GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
I’m giving up for Lent.
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
My landlord is showing the house next door, I’m now blasting music in the backyard and burning trash.
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.