It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
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a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
nyc:
*limbos away from your hug*
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.