When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
You Might Also Like
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve