Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
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When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
*struts into the new year
~ trips
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
Doug is just Canadian for dog
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.