Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
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Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
when you don’t want to be too vague
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
Monica just destroyed the internet
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
peep davidson
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.