My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
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[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
He’s cranky this morning
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.