“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
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Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
Show everyone in the room you are thirsty by making a ‘muuaah’ sound every time someone kisses on the television!
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”