[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
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I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for any—(bag of chips that is within reach while you binge watch that show on Netflix, even though you said you weren’t hungry and are still full from that beer, burger and potato salad you had earlier)—thing.
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.