“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
You Might Also Like
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
Ok guys, I have 28 minutes to kill before I casually need to respond to a text message.
What’s up?
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.