Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
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Beauty and the Beast
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.