Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
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[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
airports should have little side-quests available for ppl stuck in a layover
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
WIFE: our son has an A in Biology!
ME: *shoving another donut in my mouth* I wasn’t the one who taught him how to spell
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry