Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
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You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
What even happened today?
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
Autocorrect is my menesis
A duv-egg? In this economy?
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone