“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
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Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.