i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
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Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
I wish the blonde girl with the pterodactyls would hurry up and kill everyone.
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too