Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
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My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
I like donuts.
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