just pick it off the pizza, you won’t taste it
~ one of the many lies black olive lovers tell us
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Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together