“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
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Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex