My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
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My boss called in sick of me
I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
#NeverForget
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
Me too door. Me too.
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left