Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
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my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
This made me chuckle cuz mood
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio