The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
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To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.