My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
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I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.
Me: didn’t you wear that shirt yesterday?
Son: yes, didn’t we have chicken for dinner yesterday?
Touché kid
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…