ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
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Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
“you shouldn’t let your cat jump on the counter” my cat could take out a loan in my name if he wanted to
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
Guantanamo Bae
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”